I remember being that person who slammed and slandered ‘that gay shyt’. I was the one who was loud and proud ‘strictly dickly’. I was the one who felt uncomfortable around people I thought were gay. Had there been an internet and a Facebook. My page may have been full of sideways bashing of ‘that gay shyt’. I conflated sexuality to sexual acts. I said ‘as long as she don’t come at me with that bullshyt’. Granted it was so long ago, I truly don’t remember it. But, I may have been the one uploading any and every World Star Hip Hop link I could find and captioning it with some sideways homophobic shyt. Yep, that was me. But underneath all that bashing, always was curiosity, intrigue, and lightweight desire. I hadn’t assigned language to my sponsoring thoughts, but my internalized homophobia was real. This realization is completely hindsight because in that moment, I had no clue. And even now (given my level of outness) it seems impossible.
I say all of that to say that so many ‘straight’ folk ain’t really straight. So many of these posts and protests and sideways comments are a direct byproduct of internalized self hatred. Not that this is new information. I just wanted to say it. Today. Right now. Thanks for listening. Hopefully some of you are very uncomfortable. And that discomfort is manifesting as the rolling of eyes, the calling me out my name, the potential lashing back via your keyboard, the texting/inboxing your friends on some ‘dis bytch’ type shyt. It means, you feeling that icky sticky on the back of your neck. You fiddy lemn HOT. #MissionAccomplished
—The Ignant Intellectual